One of the worst things I could imagine has happened. I’ve had a pretty tough time over the past month.  I talked before about trying to remember that it’s ok not to be ok, well I’ve really had to dial that up recently. My much loved Dad died a few weeks ago and although it wasn’t entirely unexpected inasmuch as we’d recently found out he was terminally ill, it happened much, much faster than either we or the doctors expected.

The worst has happened, now what?

For the first few days any thoughts about healthy eating, exercise and pretty much anything not related to just getting through the next hour went out the window. Looking back now I think I’m more surprised at how little I ate rather than how much, it’s only thanks to some persistent nagging from David that I think I ate anything at all.
Once the shock wore off a bit I could feel the emotional eating monster rearing its head. There was a large piece of me that was convinced a big jar of Nutella was definitely the answer – after all, I don’t like feeling sad and Nutella is lovely, isn’t it? How can a jar of that lovely, sweet, nutty, chocolatey stuff not make me feel better? I even got as far as sneaking off to the supermarket. I was literally standing in the aisle with a jar in my hand staring at it when I had some sort of mind jolt, I felt like I was in some stupid film and the curse had just been lifted. What on earth was I doing? I know full well that eating all that Nutella would make me feel WORSE not better. Without thinking about it any longer I put the jar back on the shelf, turned around and just walked out.

nutella-cat

It wasn’t me, I don’t even LIKE Nutella….

Something positive

For the first time in a quite a while I felt a little glimmer of something positive, at one of the most difficult times in my life I’d successfully conquered 2 of my biggest food demons – secret eating? POW, not me. Emotional eating? BAM, get outta here. Because after I’d done it once it got easier, not easy by any means but definitely easier and having something else to concentrate on has helped me a lot over the past few weeks. Another thing that has helped has been getting back into exercising, I always forget how much better I feel when I’m exercising regularly. So I’m back to having my usual sessions at Setufree and I’m back at the gym. I’ve also even managed a few, very short, runs too.

bampow

Self-Nurturing can go too far

That’s not to say I’m out of the woods, I’m definitely not. Instead of binging and trying to eat all my emotions I’ve been “self-nurturing”. Loads of people have been telling me I need to look after myself but I’ve maybe taken that too far, I’ve found myself constantly making unhealthy choices because “I deserve it” and “I need a little treat” – it seems I’ve smashed right through self-nurturing and waltzed on into self-indulgence.

must-get-treat
That needs to stop but I’m trying to go easy on myself, I DO need a bit of self-nurturing now more than ever so I’ve been trying to think about non-food related treats instead. I also had a chat with Jennie and she suggested a “halfway house” approach for a couple of weeks until I’m feeling a bit better, so instead of doing things like choosing chips for dinner every day I have a big jacket potato with a bit of butter – still a treat but not quite so excessive. So I’m going to try that and see how I get on – if anyone has any good non-food treats, let me know and wish me luck everyone….

Maria x

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Read Marias story here, and catch up on last months update.

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