I’ve been on holiday. It was a big holiday – we were celebrating our 10th Wedding anniversary, so we jetted off for 15 days in Hawaii. I had a fabulous time. I was full of holiday confidence and it felt great. I ate what I liked, I drank what I liked and, strangest of all, not only did I wear what I liked (shorts!) but I also did what I liked (within reason of course – there weren’t any drunken ram raiding sprees or anything like that)
I obsess about my body – I spend so much time hating how I look that I often forget quite how much it’s seeped into every area of my life. How I don’t do things because I’m worried I’m too fat or I don’t go out because I have nothing I think I look good in. Logically I know that’s ridiculous but that doesn’t stop the little nagging voice (Doris I call her, I’ve talked about her here before), I quite often don’t realise I’ve even had the thought until hours later. I’m definitely better now than I used to be but Doris still pops up far too often
Feeling fab and full of confidence
Maybe that’s why it wasn’t until I got home that I realised why I’d enjoyed our holiday so much. I was full of confidence. I’m not quite sure how or why but without even trying I banished Doris. I wore shorts every single day. I wore vest tops that showed the TOPS of my ARMS. I spent the whole day on a boat in just my swimsuit (and got the sunburn to prove it). We hired bikes and rode for nearly 50 miles. We went up to the top of a volcano to watch the sunrise (and saw absolutely nothing because it was the one day in our whole holiday that it rained). We hiked across lava fields. I dived off a boat into 100m deep water and watched humpback whales swim within 80m of me. And not once did I seriously consider not doing any of it because I was too fat or because I thought I wouldn’t be able to manage it.
I’d be lying if I said it never occurred to me, there were definitely a couple of occasions when I looked in the mirror and wasn’t happy with what I saw but not enough to stop me doing anything. I just carried on with my day and forgot about it. Is this confidence? Is this what it feels like to be “normal”?
So I’m normal now right?
Fabulous, right? I’m now a fully functioning, confident, adult person – hooray! Only now I’m back to everyday life and Doris is back too. What’s that about?
Maybe it’s because I’m back among people I know, people whose opinion I care about? Or maybe I was just a bit more relaxed while I was away and Doris is actually driven by stress? Maybe just having a bit of a suntan makes me feel more confident? Or maybe Doris just doesn’t like leaving the UK and I never really lost her? Whatever the reason she’s back with a vengeance and I know I’ve got a battle on my hands.
I’m ok with that though. Now I know that Doris can be beaten I’m determined not to let her stop me doing anything else, I’ve proved to myself that I can do anything I want to and what I want to do is get back how good I felt on holiday. So I’ve reread the good advice I gave myself here and I’m on it!
And maybe I’ll invest in some decent fake tan as well 😉
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