2009 vs 2019

So I’ve seen lots of people doing the decade comparison on social media. I’m rubbish at knowing where I was when, so I did a bit of scrolling and this shocked me!

2010s were literally a decade of eating disorders for me. 2009 is the year I got to ‘goal weight’ after years of yo-yo dieting I thought it was my happy ever after. In reality it was just the start of a dangerous spiral of obsession and self hatred.

I had to control my food and exercise so much to stay within that goal weight range, and I was so petrified of gaining weight, that it quickly became obsessive. I ate a very restrictive low-fat diet and exercised intensely almost everyday.

But technically (thanks to those really helpful BMI measures) I was a healthy weight. Which was the only weapon I needed when concerned loved ones would question my health. But behind the scenes I was a mess, mentally and physically. My periods had pretty much stopped, I had terrible drinks festive problems and my nails and skins were in such  poor condition.

I became more and more interested in fitness, and started working with a PT. She measured my body fat, and was shocked to find it was 13% . Even ‘trained females’ are usually between 21-24% she advised I stopped ‘dieting’ and focused on putting on muscle. A new obsession started!

I started eating more but cut out so many food groups. My obsession switched from being thin to being fit. Externally I was the picture of health; I ate clean, strong and fit, even a six pack! But psychologically and emotionally I was even more messed up. Despite being in the best shape of my life, I still hated my body. It wasn’t never good enough. Every spare minute of my life was dedicated to improving my body. I was obsessed, and would freak out at the idea of even one meal out of just control.  Then the binging started!

Days of being heavily restricted, followed by huge blow outs. I still remembering sitting on the kitchen floor in tears, eating dry cereal out of the box. I was out of control with food, petrified to have anything ‘bad’ in the house. After a while it didn’t matter- I would binge on lettuce if that’s all I had.

By 2014 I was a desperate, and ended up paying for private counselling with a specialist in disordered eating and EDs. After lots of therapy and some serious soul searching, I was diagnosed as having suffered: atypical anorexia developing into orthorexia and then binge eating disorder. It took a long time to unpick everything before I could even start rebuilding my relationship with food.

By 2016 I thought I was back in a good place and finished counselling. But I was stuck in a dangerous trap of desperately ‘not wanting to gain weight’ And back on that never ending cycle of yo-yo dieting. Losing and regaining the same 10-15lbs and never happy.

It wasn’t until New Years Day 2018 that I decided enough was enough, and I began my crusade to break free of all food rules, and learn to respect my body- regardless to its size. It’s possibly been the hardest chapter, but so worthwhile as I can now say: I truly appreciate my body, I treat it with respect, and most importantly… I trust it.

10 years older, 40 lbs heavier, infinitely happier

10 years older, 40 lbs heavier, infinitely happier

It was that final step of trusting my body which helped me break free from food rules. I’m in complete control around food, absolute freedom in every sense. I will never again have to count, or track a single bite. I never again have a minutes guilt, or self hatred over anything I eat. I truly love my body in all its glorious imperfections. The 2010s weren’t all doom and gloom, but they were ruled by my obsession with food and my body.

And the craziest thing was that once I stopped forcing my body to be a certain size, it just settled and I bloody love it! I never knew my natural shape, and apparently it’s full, thick, bad ass feminine.

Im so proud how well my body has coped with pregnancy. In each of these pics I’m about 40-50lbs heavier!!!! (including pregnancy) and even after realising that, I can look at my body right now and go: yep… fucking awesome!

I’m excited for the 2020s as now I’m finally free and I focus on so many other things in life. Like sharing my experiences, and my insight so I can help other women find their freedom from food rules, and learn to respect and trust their body. And of course: I can just focus on being an awesome mum! No ‘getting my pre-baby body back’ I fully plan on savouring every moment of those most special years with Hoglet. Bring it 2020s ✌🏼❤️

 

I couldn’t imagine dealing with pregnancy in the peak of my eating disorder, I wouldn’t have been able to handle the changes to my body. But thanks to learning to trust and respect my body I’ve loved every moment of seeing my body change and do the most incredible thing!

I couldn’t imagine dealing with pregnancy in the peak of my eating disorder, I wouldn’t have been able to handle the changes to my body. But thanks to learning to trust and respect my body I’ve loved every moment of seeing my body change and do the most incredible thing!